Monday, March 10, 2014

Updates: Where I've Been

Hello guys, it's Aya, back with an update!

I know I've been kind of MIA for the past month, so I thought I would explain. I've been working at a restaurant for the past 5 weeks or so and although the hours are not long, it definitely takes out a portion of my day to travel there, prepare lunch, etc. I've also been carving out time to go to the gym. I definitely admit there's been time to blog in between but I haven't done much to blog about so that may be why. I've been meeting a lot of new people and very often I find that whipping out my camera to take 20 pictures of a dish while we're still getting to know each other may be distracting to some.

I've also been trying better to understand myself. I had a really rocky January into February where I was dealing with some anxiety. I had a lot of doubt about where I was going and who I was and I even had a panic attack, which honestly never happened before the end of last year. What really turned things around for me was a conversation I had with someone. This person seemed so sure of himself and what he was doing, despite much progress or success. I always have a tendency to put myself down for not being the best at something, and he put it in a really simple way. "Why would you want to already be good at something? If you're good, you're good and that's it. If you're bad, you will get better." I'm always embarrassed of looking like I don't have it together. I put pressure on myself, regardless of whether anybody actually cares. I think that's why I was so scared last year when all my friends kept telling me I'd be fine because I felt like they didn't know I was trying so hard to put on a brave face. But they were right, I'm doing well.

The second thing that saved me and literally continues to keep me positive, is exercising. Even before I found a job, the gym was the one place I knew I could be with something to do. And I had shitty days where I started a class crying, but once you get going, nothing matters. During that time you're working out, all you have to be aware of is how much you can challenge yourself. It's also so instantly gratifying. I realize that some changes in life take a very long time and you barely notice it, but going to the gym, you can see these small changes. If I can do one more push up, add an extra weight to my dumbbell, or feel less winded after a class, I know I'm getting stronger. And then when I'm done, I literally think to myself, "Damn girl, you are amazing."

I'm now trying just to focus on things I enjoy doing. I don't need to put this pressure on myself that every move I make has to somehow be connected to a greater goal, but I want to go at my pace and do all the small things that make me happy in the case that I do stumble upon something grand.

Anyway, I'll be away brainstorming what to post next so stay tuned and happy Monday!


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